omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
