Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
