I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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