I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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