Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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