Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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