Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
