omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
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