I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
