My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
