I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Randomize
