i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
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