Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
