I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
