I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Randomize
