true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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