I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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