Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
