I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
