I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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