When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Randomize
