Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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