Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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