Having a random hookup so left but love u
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
