He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
he quoted the bible to break up with me
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
