Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
