you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
