The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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