she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Randomize
