This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
