I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
