How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
