OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
