Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
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Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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