You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
