Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Come share oat with me in your robe
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
