I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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