Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Randomize
