if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
