She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Randomize
