I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
