You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
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