Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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