Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
