I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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