he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
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