I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
