Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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