I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
