someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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