I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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