All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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