I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
