I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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