Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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