you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
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