I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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