Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
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Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
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Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
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