You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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