There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
