when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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