btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
