I cockslap morals
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
?
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Randomize
