im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
