I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
