Where is the hickey?
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
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i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
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And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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